Mukkefuck Cafe

And so it goes... 365/6-12

OK, OK...so I suck at being consistent. I have already failed at my Project 365, but to make up for it, I will post several photos of the birth I just attended.

Sweet Lily Isabella was born at 1:12am on 2/24 after a fast and furious natural labor. I am so proud of this momma...she was SO ready to throw in the towel but didn't get the chance as Lily was born a little more than an hour after we arrived at the hospital.

I love my job.

What Ifs?

One of my friends inside the interwebs (whom I might finally get to meet in real life this summer!) asked a very good question on her own blog. "Is there a one moment or decision that you wonder how your life would be different if you’d taken the other path? Where do you stand on not-exactly-regrets-more-like-what-ifs?"

I have certainly wondered what would have become of me and my life if I would have continued my (very) lonely existence as a pet store manager who had a propensity for self destructive behaviour.

I tended to dream big and would become overwhelmed by the logistical challenges of tending to those dreams, so I did what was safe. I worked my way up from sales clerk/animal care person to store manager in just 2 very short years. I used that as my excuse for losing my ambition to further myself in other ways. In ways that really mattered.

On the surface, things looked OK, I guess. I had a steady paycheck, had bought my first new car (A little, black VW Fox...gosh, I loved that car) and I was living in an apartment with my boyfriend and our 42billion pets. When it was decided that we wanted very different things out of life (I wanted babies and he wanted...oh, I don't even know what he wanted...to stay cool?) he moved to South Carolina and I lost my ever loving, little mind.

I bounced from room mate to room mate and found myself in more and more toxic situations before I decided that if I didn't want to off myself, that I needed to get the hell out of there...and so I did.

Yeah...so I ran away from my hometown at the ripe age of (almost) 21 to follow the Grateful Dead. (Can I tell you a secret? I don't even LIKE the Grateful Dead!) So anyway, what began as a horrible misadventure in a big blue Dodge van with a couch in the back ended with me, That Guy I (eventaully) Married and four minions that I wouldn't trade anything for.

I will admit that I have wondered the "what ifs" but I don't think anything would ever be able to come close to this. We have had our fair share of ups and downs over the past 17+ years but for the most part? Life is Good.

 

365/5

365/4

365/3

365/2

365/1

The lens through which the remaining 364 will be captured...

Eleventy Things

It's funny...after I have fallen off the face of the Earth for so long, I never quite know what to say when I come back. I can't tell you how many times I have logged into TypePad and just stared blankly at my computer screen as it stared blankly back at me.

I have a lot of things to say...I really do. I just didn't know how to segue from my silence to my...NOT silence without it seeming awkward. Today presented me with TWO opportunities to jump back into blogging. First thing would be my brand, spanking new camera. I vowed to myself that once I upgraded, I would do my own, personal 365 challenge just to get my creative juices flowing again (and to justify the expense;). Since it was late by the time I got it all unpacked and my batteries charged, I will start that tomorrow. Thankfully, my good friend Catey tagged me in a thingy that will force me to write something. :)

Apparently there are rules, but I really suck at following rules so I am going to skip the first and the last rule. You will figure out the middle rules on your own if/when you read this blog post. I swear, I will be surprised if anyone still comes here.

11 Random Facts About Me:

1. I should have been born with red hair. It would have saved me the crap ton of money I have spent on red hair dye over the past 20+ years.
2. My favorite food is macaroni and cheese. It has been my favorite since the beginning of time.
3. I only like the red Skittles.
4. I have lived in Germany for a collective 13 years of my life. I honestly don't think I remember how to fully live like an American.
5. Aside from That Guy I Married and My Minions, I am most passionate about childbirth. Because none of my births were THE birth I wanted them to be, I have made it my mission as a doula to help other women achieve the births that THEY want to achieve.
6. My favorite beverage is Bitter Lemon (although Orangina is a close second).
7. I have lived 4 hours from Paris for almost a decade and have never seen the Eiffel Tower.
8. My favorite physical feature is totally a person's eyes.
9. I have only ever danced with my husband once in the 18 years we have been together.
10. I pretend like I am a rock star when I play Guitar Hero with my kids.
11. I am not a morning person AT ALL.

11 Random Things Catey wants to know about me:

1. What is your most embarrassing moment? Oh gosh...my 16th birthday. A closet. An unclothed boyfriend. My mother. I will spare you the details.
2. Biggest pet peeve? People who pass judgment on others based on generalizations.
3. Are you OCD about anything?  If so, what? This would be a much shorter answer if you were asking what I am NOT OCD about. I am actually particular about most things, to an unhealthy degree. I am happiest in a clean and organized space, but I have a husband and four kids so nothing is ever as clean as I would like for it to be nor is it usually where it belongs. I have learned to just deal with the mess and enjoy my children while they are still living with me because I know that won't last forever.
4. Celebrity Crush? Brad Pitt...circa Legends of the Fall.
5. What was the best vacation you've ever taken? Italy with two of my best friends.
6. If you could have one superpower what would it be? Mind control. heh
7. Biggest Fear? Having something bad happen to my kids.
8. What was the last thing you ate? A handful of Pretzel M&M's
9. You have 24 hours to do whatever you want.  What do you do? Sleeeeeeep...
10. What is your favorite blog to read? This one.
11. Greatest accomplishment last year? Biggest goal this year? This might seem sad, but I don't think I accomplished anything great last year (unless you can consider "continuing to breathe" to be greatness). My biggest goal this year isn't really for myself but for two of my kids. Rowan and Ethan were both nominated to attend the National Young Leader's Conference in Washington DC this summer, and I am trying to raise the money to send them there.

11 things I would like to know about you:

1. What is your favorite season, and why?
2. First job?
3. Are you crafty and if so, what do you craft?
4. If you could live anywhere, where would you choose?
5. Do you have any irrational fears or phobias?
6. Are you good at living on a budget and saving money (and if so, tell me your secrets;)?
7. Favorite pet? Are you a dog/cat/bird/reptile/etc person?
8. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
9. What is your biggest regret?
10. What is your favorite book?
11. Can you play any musical instruments (and if so, which ones)?

I am not actually going to tag anyone, but if you happen to read this, I would love to hear your answers:)

 

home

I am just stopping by to replace the bulb in the porch light, sweep away the cobwebs and stock the pantry.

There have been several times recently during which I have thought something or felt something and begun a blog post in my brain. I suppose that it would be better therapy for me send those thoughts out into cyberspace with the hope that someone might still have my blog in their feed rather than allowing them to clutter up the inside of my skull. heh

Stay tuned...I promise I will be back soon.

 

justification

I think that one of my least favorite things in the universe is the expectation that I should justify my feelings. I mean, how does one justfy their feelings to someone else? My feelings are just that...my feelings...and they are my feelings whether anyone likes them or not.

I have very recently lost another person whom I considered a good friend. Last summer she moved from the area I live in to another city in Germany, a couple of hours away. Since her move, we talked for hours on Skype every day and she pretty much knew everything there was to know about me. I have gone down to visit her and she has come up here to visit me several times, as well. Well, I found out she was coming into town...but it wasn't from her. A mutual acquaintance asked if my daughter could babysit for the two of them...that's how I found out she was coming to town.

I was hurt...I mean really hurt. We told each other everything so I pretty much assumed she didn't tell me she was coming into town because she didn't want to see me. I confronted her with my feelings and she got very defensive and nasty about it. She wanted me to justify my feelings to her. How was I supposed to do that? I told her that I was hurt. I told her why I was hurt. I even apologized for being an asshole about it (even though I thought some measure of assholiness was totally warranted under the circumstances).

I know that I am pretty dysfunctional in how I deal with people...but it is not something I am in denial about and I am constantly apologizing for my slip ups. Is it too much to ask that other people would own up to their responsibility in any given situation instead of expecting me to shoulder the full blame?

I guess my whole reason for posting this is that I am curious...how would you have felt if the same thing happened to you...and how would you have dealt with the situation? Clearly I fucked up because she is no longer speaking to me.