Mukkefuck Cafe

True Confessions, blogstyle

"Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling-frightened you'll slip away." from the movie Evita

 

According to Saint Augustine, "The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works" . Given the current state of affairs inside my head, I think that some anonymous confessing might just be the healing salve I need. I know not everyone has entire skeletons hanging in their closets, but you at least have to have a few bones buried in the yard.

 

I know that this isn't a unique idea...but it is one that has me intrigued. I would like for all three of my Faithful Readers (and the handful of new readers, strangers and lurkers) to post their confessions in my comment section. Please keep them strictly anonymous! If enough of you are willing to share, I might add a few of my own. (I bet you didn't think I actually kept any secrets from you, did you???;)

 

 

Navel Gazing

Writing is a funny thing, for me. Sometimes it is like squeezing orange juice from a turnip (see previous several months) and sometimes the floodgates just open up and I can't stop the words from pouring out of me.

I am in kind of an introspective period right now. When you dig up old bones, it is inevitable that you will be haunted by some old ghosts.

Being presented with the shiny new lives of many old friends and acquaintances is an awesome thing. It is good to see everyone happy and thriving in their lives...but this is where you will start to see all of the tiny little fractures in my image for I am broken.

I have watched some of my old friends skate through life as though the ground was a smooth sheet of ice. Gliding effortlessly through high school, then college. Finding their true love and then exchanging vows with them. Having babies, buying houses and moving steadily forward.

These things are awesome, don't get me wrong...but they expose all of the ways in which my own life is a fraud.

For as easy as some people make life seem, I feel like I am skating by on a gravel road with a pair of old school metal skates strapped on over my shoes. Where they glide, I stumble.

The year was 1994 and while most of my friends were achieving Higher Learning, I was having a nervous breakdown. I was severing ties with everyone who cared about me (and by this point, the list was short). I was quitting my job as a manager of the pet shop I had worked at since high school. I was leaving a message on my parent's answering machine, letting them know I was running away. I didn't know where I was going or if or when I would be back. I was parking my first brand new car in front of the dealership where I bought it and hopping in my friend's van in search of greener pastures or death; I didn't care which found me first.

I wound up on Dead Tour which seemed an unlikely place for someone like me. I have never been known to wear tie dye or Birkenstocks...but there, I found that I was not the only person who was as fucked up as I was. Here I was, surrounded by a bunch of people who had tried and failed to be a contributing member of society. They accepted me despite my shaved head, Social Distortion tee shirts and oxblood Doc Martens. They took care of each other and they took care of me. I was fed. I was medicated. I was miraculously safe in a most unsafe environment. It was during this self destructive period in which I met That Guy I eventually Married.

As one would expect from such a situation, our relationship was built on a craggy foundation of False Pretenses.

**I had an 8 paragraph summary of the past 13 years all typed out and just deleted it all. For those of you who know me, you know my history and so you know why I have become such a bitter and distrusting person. For those of you who don't know all of the sordid details...too bad. I have never been good at the whole "forgive and forget" shtick, but I think it's about time for me to change that.**

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I had the pleasure of meeting two of the actors from the movie "Fireproof". I was invited to attend a marriage rally that they were facilitating...so I went. Alone. I cried silent tears as every couple in the room renewed their vows with one another. I got a free, autographed copy of "The Love Dare" and went home feeling more hopeless than ever. I was (and still am) convinced that I am never going to be completely fulfilled in this marriage...but I also made a decision. I decided to take The Love Dare. I have been on day one for over a week, now. I am afraid that this is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done... 

shoe love

Love is a lot like a new pair of shoes.

I am sure that most of you can relate to this. The way a new pair of shoes feels on your feet. The way they make you feel sexy or powerful or beautiful or feminine or ten feet tall. They are flawless. I have experienced many different types of love, and I associate each with a different type of shoe.

I have experienced tender ballet slipper kind of love. The kind of love that made me feel graceful and beautiful. Like I was floating on air.

I have experienced intense Doc Marten Boot kind of love. Love that felt invincible and full of energy. Love that was scuffed around the edges and smelled like blood and sweat.

I have experienced Mary Jane love. Love that was spontaneous and fun. Love that was passionate and every moment felt like the first.

I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have packed all of my metaphorical shoes into their boxes and carefully stacked them in my closet. I will never feel swept off my feet, again. I will never feel the same raw kind of passion as I did when I was young and free. Love is no longer spontaneous or flirtatious. It is practical. It is plain.

I would equate my current situation to a pair of Crocs. Comfortable. Practical. Durable. I can put some skull and crossbone Jibbitz in them to make me feel more edgy, but let's face it...they are still just Crocs.

the missing piece

I look at my life as though it is a puzzle. As the years go by, the pieces become more tattered and worn. Their edges peeled back and swollen from age and abuse. Many no longer fit together due to the wear.The corners of the box held together with strips of yellowed scotch tape.

When you have bounced around as much as I have, pieces are bound to get lost. Also? I am a destructive force. I have never ended a relationship nicely. When I part ways with someone, it is usually with a resounding Fuck Off! I can't count how many times I have ripped my Life Puzzle apart, letting the pieces fall where they may. I generally scoop up the pieces, putting them back in their box until a time when I am able to regain my focus and reassemble it.

Inevitably, there are gaping holes where there was once love, friendship, loyalty or trust. Much of the picture is still clear and intact but some of the images are distorted or idiscernible.

It always amazes me when I stumble across one of my puzzle pieces, lost in one of the dark corners of my mind. When real events conspire with my psyche and old wrongs are righted. Old friendships rekindled. A missing piece is replaced.

In recent months, I have found several of my missing pieces. Integral pieces. Pieces that contain memories of people who have meant more to me than they probably ever knew.

I have accepted that some of my missing pieces will likely remain missing, but that is OK. I will just have to appreciate the ones that are eventually found and put back in their places.

Holland

I know I have been kind of quiet, lately. I guess I just don't have much to say! Life is just meandering along at it's normal pace...and all is well!

I do want to share my favorite photo from my trip to the Keukenhof Garden in Holland. It has to be the most beautiful place I have ever seen!

because I don't already have ENOUGH to do...

...I am attending a DONA workshop this weekend.

For those of you who actually know me and stuff, you are already aware of the fact that I have been serving as a (volunteer) doula for many, many years.

Well, the opportunity presented itself for me to participate in the training that is necessary for me to actually get certified. (and since that is so, very rare over here...I jumped on it!)

So, I will be spending about 20 hours of my weekend in classes...and once I complete all of the other requirements I will be a bonafide doula. And I can start charging people money for my services. Which in these uncertain economic times, might not be such a bad thing for my family.

YAY!

I am also reviving my Pampered Chef business (for the 42nd time) but hosting an open house. Today! (maybe I should step away from the computer and get busy...)

And Aaron...this post is for you, since you slathered me with such gratitude after my last (or was it my last, last?) post. How would my life be, without such compassionate, kind and caring friends like you???

Oh...and it also might be worth mentioning (or not...) that it is freaking SNOWING. Didn't anyone bother to send up the memo that it is SPRINGTIME???

OK...I think that is a sufficient amount of drivel for one morning.

Until next time...

The Interview

Elijah, age 5.999

1. What is something mom always says to you?

Do your homework!

2. What makes mom happy?

Being good

3. What makes mom sad?

Being naughty

4. How does your mom make you laugh?

Tickling me &  telling jokes

5. What did your mom like to do as a child?

Go to school

6. How old is your mom?

22 or 23 (bless him;)

4. How tall is your mom?

Really, really high

8. What is her favourite thing to watch on TV?

American Idol (not really, but OK...)

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?

Shop & do chores

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?

Doing a good job in all of her stuff...or being the President

11. What is your mom really good at?

Doing chores, like cleaning

12. What is your mom not very good at?

Keeping us from doing naughty stuff (this kid is GOOD!) heh

13. What does your mom do for her job?

Clean?

14. What is your mom's favorite food?

I think your favorite food is that new kind of mashed potatoes that we had the other night (gouda and garlic, for those who weren't present...VERY YUM!)

15. What makes you proud of your mom?

By doing a good job on cleaning (OK, OK...enough with the cleaning, already!)

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?

Spongebob (God, save me!)

17. What do you and your mom do together?

Play games, that's what we always do!

18. How are you and your mom the same?

Cause we both do chores (I sound like such a FUN person, don't I???)

19. How are you and your mom different?

Cause you are big and I am little & you are a grown up and I am a kid

20. How do you know your mom loves you?

Cause you always kiss me and I always kiss you (this is true...he is a smoochy little guy:)

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?

I think...that...you like him cause he's your friend (FEELIN' the love;)

22. Where is your mom's favourite place to go?

Legoland (NOT. my. favorite. place. to. go.)

preoccupied

I am fairly certain tha tby now, nobody even checks this here blog...but just in case, I figure I owe my faithful reader a tiny explaination as to why I have been MIA.

I am completely and totally consumed with taking my body back. I am spending 8-10 hours per week at the gym and am carefully planning out my menus and grocery lists.

It is totally starting to pay off! I am now down a total of 35 pounds (just 4 pounds from my first goal) and I have managed to lower my BMI from 43.9 to 38.6.

I still have a long, LONG way to go...but I am to the point that there is absolutely NO turning back.

But since you bothered to stop by, I figured I would leave you with a SNL clip that has had me laughing my ass off for days:)

a name in the sand

This was written for my lost baby.

What an awesome thing to see the name written.

the bag thingy

I was tagged by my Good Friend Lisa to do this, but my Good Friends Catey and Heidi did it, too...and since they are the collective epitome of coolness, I wanted to do it, too:)

OK...so maybe that is a little bit over the top. The truth is, I spent SO many years carrying around a Land's End backpack/diaper bag that I have really enjoyed the opportunity to buy some cute and fun bags over the past year or two.

Here are the rules (which normally I boycott, but they seem a little necessary  this time):

A. Post a picture of whatever bag you are (using) today - not last weekend when you and your hubby went out to that fabulous restaurant. No cheating!!! AND it's contents!! EVERYTHING! Yes, even THAT!

B. Tell us how much it cost. This is a no-judgment zone -- there will be no ridiculing or eye rolling here. And, if there is a story to go along with how you obtained it, I'd love to hear it.

C. Now tag some fellow bloggers and link back to this post so people know why you are posting pictures of your bag. (it is OK to break this rule...I know I am;)

OK, exhibit A:

OK, I know that there are two bags in this photo. I have yet to use a bag, today so I decided to post the bag(s) I used last night. Here they are. Aren't they cute???

Contents of the Dick Bag:

 

1. Girl Scout Badge Book

2. composition book to track Abby's badge progress

3. G.S. Handbook

4. Life is Good hat

5. ink pen, black

6. disk with piratey Wife Swap episode

7. Juliette Lowe birthday patch

8. mitten/glove thingys

Contents of the Fossil Bag:

 

1. two tampons

2. generic Dramamine

3. two packs of gum

4. calculator

5. gel pen, purple

6. receipts for kids' lunch accounts

7. prescription for German pharmacy

8. letter from school nurse regarding Abby's vision and hearing screenings

9. USAA business card

10. MK lip gloss, Aveeno lip balm and some tropical fruity Blistex

11. cell phone

12. checkbook

13. wallet

14. USAA pocket calendar

15. ink pen, black and ink pen, patriotic (from the Fisher House)

16. change purse I carry all of my Euro in (US dollars go in my wallet)

17. my Zune...I love my Zune:)

Exhibit B:

I bought the dick and Jane bag from this chick. I can't remember what I paid for it. Maybe $40-ish, including shipping??? I really didn't care what it cost, I just had to have it. Wanna know what the biggest selling point of this bag was for me??? Two little words; Oh, Dick. When I carry this bag, it is like a little inside joke with myself:)

The other bag is a Fossil purse. It is the only purse I have ever bought from the BX. I think I paid $50-60 for it. I picked this bag up right before I took my trip to Poland in August because I needed a bag that has lots of pockets and that I could carry across my chest. It is hard to find purses that I can carry that way because I am tall and have ginormous boobs. Very annoying. But this purse fits and is actually my favorite every-day bag.

Exhibit C:

I am not specifically tagging anyone, but if you decide to do this leave me a comment to let me know! I am very nosy and love to see what everyone carries around in their purses:)