Mukkefuck Cafe

taking a dare

I have made it no secret that being married has been no walk in the park for me...and in doing so I have done TGIM a HUGE injustice. I have spent so much time and energy focused on ME and MY hurts and MY issues that I never even really considered that I might have hurt him, too. Well guess what? I have been a selfish jerk.

He was trying to communicate his feelings to me in the same way I try to communicate my feelings to him...but since I am not conditioned to pick up on passive aggressive innuendo I have been walking around with my head up my own ass. It has come to a point where I have realized that *I* am going to have to change some of my behaviors or *I* am going to be left all alone. Why in the world would I expect him to want to stay with a person who acted like they didn't like him most of the time?

So anyway...I am taking a leap of faith here by actually following through with The Love Dare. I was given a copy of the book several months ago, read the first day and then put it up on my bookshelf. Apparently I wasn't ready then...but I think I'm ready now.

I had adopted the (not so) famous words of the Rites of Spring as my mantra..."I was the champion of forgive and forget...but I haven't found a way to forgive you, yet". Well...it is time for me to let go. It is time for me to truly forgive and let go of the things I have been holding over this marriage and try to move forward.

Wish me luck because I think this is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do.

stuff

I know...I know...I have beenawaygolonglongtime. Thanks to my Faithful Reader for letting me know I was missed. I guess I just feel like no one really wants to sift through my mental muck. My insanity used to be funny. Now? It's just sad.

As usual, a lot of weirdness has been swirling around inside my head. I have pulled away from most of my online life (and real life, too...) lately. It is just too hard for me to be around people who are genuinely happy.

Don't get me wrong...I love being a mother. That is the one shining light in my darkness. I love my kids with my whole self and basically devote as much of my time as possible to them and their activities. This serves a dual purpose. It's (hopefully) enriching their lives and creating memories for them that they can look fondly back upon when they are my age but it also allows me to escape my own reality.

There is so, so much I want to say but I don't know how much is appropriate, you know?

Let me start with this and see where it goes.

I miss looking at TGIM with stars in my eyes. I miss being able to love him...I miss being loved.

I can't tell you at exactly what point the light went out, but I do know that I have been living in darkness for a long time.

He is going on a business trip to Finland on Wednesday. Every time he goes out of town an old wound is re-opened and all of the crud from within bubbles up to the surface and oozes out of me. That is where I am right now. Festering and sore.

Aren't you glad I updated you? heh

Maybe someday I will get my groove back but right now...I am floundering.

and the winner is...

True Random Number Generator Min: Max: Result: 4 Powered by RANDOM.ORG

 

Thanks so much for playing, everyone! I am sorry I lied and said that this post would be up by the time you were. It was my kiddos' first day back to school and so things were a little bit hectic.

 

The 4th commenter was none other than Angela Poe. Congratulations on winning this fabulous prize AND for placing an order with me. I promise to make it to the post office one day this week. It occurs to me that I also have a birthday gift that I have been meaning to mail to you since June;)

 

This was fun. Maybe I will have to consider doing this more often!

Friday Freebie!

OK...so I have been at this blogging gig for the better part of 5 years. My blog is not flashy or gimmicky or funny. I don't even post regularly enough anymore to keep readers (as proven by my last post in which only ONE person commented that they wanted me to make them something...and she is related to me;)

 Anyway, as a blogger, I have become the cranky old dog under your porch. I mostly just lie there and sleep. You only really hear from me if I have something to complain about. Charmming, no? I thought so...

But anyway...I am totally excited to be co-hosting my very first Friday Freebie, EVER! with my good friend in the Internet, Heidi. I have known Heidi for a lot of years. Go over to her blog and show her some love. She is The Awesome:)

I guess you are ready for me to show you what this week's lucky winner is going to receive! One Lucky Winner will get this Wicked Cool Oil Dipping Set from The Pampered Chef...but I am prepared to make everyone a winner, this week! As you may (or may not) know...I am a Pampered Chef Consultant. I can't post the link to my website on my blog as per PC home office's request, but if anyone would like to place an order via my website, just let me know in the comments. Anyone who places an order as a result of the Friday Freebie contest will get a FREE Parmesan Garlic Oil Dipping Seasoning added to their order!

  So here's how you can win... Simply leave me a comment telling me how wonderfully awesome you think I am...or whatever;)

If you place an order via my Pampered Chef website, you will be entered a second time!

Easy-Peasy! I will close the comments very early Monday morning while all of my friends in the USofA are sweetly sleeping and the winner should be posted by the time you wake up!

Good luck to you all and thank you for playing:)

Paying it Forward

I have always been a big believer in paying it forward, so I was inspired and excited by a recent post by my Good Friend Lisa.

Here's how it works....The first 5 people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- I have a year to get it to you.
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.

The catch? You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

Stay tuned to this channel because I am hosting my very first ever Friday Freebie for my friend Heidi over at Sacred and Profane this week and you won't want to miss out on your chance to win a fabulous gift from Yours Truly:)

keeping up appearances

Let me preface this post by telling you that I am a Christian. I am not a very Good Christian. I am not even a mediocre Christian. I was not always a Christian. In fact, for a good, long time I was pretty freaking far from it. I guess there is something to be said for seeing your recovering alcoholic father prostrate on the floor of a church sanctuary during his ordination into priesthood.

Anyway, this post isn't actually supposed to be about me.

There is a high profile mommy blogger that I used to follow. I am not even going to link to her blog because I don't want to drive any more traffic to her than she already drives there, herself. She has a chronically ill child that she uses to drive up her hit count, thus generating an obscene amount of ad revenue.

Now, I don't have a problem with professional bloggers...but I do have a problem with egomaniacs.

This particular blogger stands on her soapbox and preaches her ideas on faith, her ideas on nutrition, on cloth diapering, attachment parenting, photography, marriage...and she has a very large and very loyal following. Her followers are kind of scary in their attraction to her. I can actually see them drinking a cup of poisoned kool-aid if she believed in kool-aid, which she doesn't.  

This post is proving to be very difficult to write because there are so, so many things about her and her (lack of) blog ethics that really piss me off...but there is one main topic that I want to touch on.

It has recently been brought to light that her husband has been charged with domestic violence against her within the past year. How she chooses to handle her personal life is not really my business at all....but since she has placed herself squarely in the public's eye by dispensing parenting and marriage advice, she has made it people's business.

You see, on several occasions she has blogged about being a submissive wife.

Before I knew what I know now...I just dismissed her posts on the subject in the same way I would any other Christian telling me I needed to submit to my husband...but now that I know she had been abused by her husband before choosing to submit to him, I am just saddened by her. And a little bit disgusted, too. I mean, what kind of example is she setting for her children much less her followers???

I think it is extremely dangerous to send the message to her loyal followers (aka; sheeple) that if your husband knocks you down, you should just stay down.

I love and respect my husband...but I would never submit to him any more than he would submit to me. Which is not at all. I don't think that God designed us to lose ourselves completely when we decide to get married. It is a concept that I can not wrap my head around and I don't think I ever will.

I guess my point is that you should keep both eyes open when you become enamored with another blogger. Things are not always what they seem and be careful who you try to emulate.

This is not the first time I have felt betrayed by a blogger that I had grown to care about...but I believe that this is the worst.

 

2 months?

I think that this might be the longest I have gone without blogging since I began blogging!

I don't have much to say, really. Being home with four kids, all day every day is both mentally and physically exhausting. I know that there are many, many bloggers with as many (if not more) minions than I have that seem to handle it much better. Sometimes I wonder if they misrepresent themselves, just a little.

Summer vacation hasn't been ALL stressful and bad, though. Way back in June, TGIM and I got to enjoy a few days in Dublin(!) without the kids. It was a much needed time for us to reconnect with each other...especially since neither of us is especially affectionate or attentive to the needs of the other. We had a great time. We ate shepherd's pie and bangers and mash, drank Guiness, went to museums and cathedrals, walked about a thousand miles around the city, sat in Saint Stephens Green Park, took naps, watched BBC & well...other stuff. The photos are on Flickr...but here is a sneak peek for you:

 

The kids and I have been to the park, the movies, bowling, the library...but it never seems like enough. I  (almost) envy the families who can afford to take their kids someplace awesome several times a week to keep them entertained...but then again, there is definitely something to be said for sleeping in late and spending entire days in our pajamas from time to time.

We will be camping for 3 days with the Cub Scouts, later this month. For most of my kids...this will be their first time camping. Ethan and TGIM went camping in June...and we took Rowan camping when she was a baby...but Abby and Eli have never been. It should be an adventure!

We are also planning our annual pilgrimage to Legoland with our good friends. Hopefully we can squeeze that in before school starts! They always have a good time, there.

I have completely slacked off on going to the gym. At the beginning of summer, I fully intended to keep at it, but my workout partner went to the states for a month and really? I am just too lazy to go by myself. I am a little disappointed in myself, but such is my life. I will pick up where I left off once the kids are back in school and I can regain some control over my life.

What else??? Oh! TGIM is applying for jobs in the US. I have mixed feelings on the matter, really. I mean, part of me wants to settle down someplace permanent...but another part of me completely FREAKS at the prospect. I have been a nomad my entire life. How will I cope with being in the same place with the same people and the same scenery for the rest of my life??? It had better be someplace awesome (like Vermont;).

Well...I guess that's all I've got for you for now. I will try not to be so scarce. I know all two of my Faithful Readers worry when I am not around;)

True Confessions, blogstyle

"Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling-frightened you'll slip away." from the movie Evita

 

According to Saint Augustine, "The confession of evil works is the first beginning of good works" . Given the current state of affairs inside my head, I think that some anonymous confessing might just be the healing salve I need. I know not everyone has entire skeletons hanging in their closets, but you at least have to have a few bones buried in the yard.

 

I know that this isn't a unique idea...but it is one that has me intrigued. I would like for all three of my Faithful Readers (and the handful of new readers, strangers and lurkers) to post their confessions in my comment section. Please keep them strictly anonymous! If enough of you are willing to share, I might add a few of my own. (I bet you didn't think I actually kept any secrets from you, did you???;)

 

 

Navel Gazing

Writing is a funny thing, for me. Sometimes it is like squeezing orange juice from a turnip (see previous several months) and sometimes the floodgates just open up and I can't stop the words from pouring out of me.

I am in kind of an introspective period right now. When you dig up old bones, it is inevitable that you will be haunted by some old ghosts.

Being presented with the shiny new lives of many old friends and acquaintances is an awesome thing. It is good to see everyone happy and thriving in their lives...but this is where you will start to see all of the tiny little fractures in my image for I am broken.

I have watched some of my old friends skate through life as though the ground was a smooth sheet of ice. Gliding effortlessly through high school, then college. Finding their true love and then exchanging vows with them. Having babies, buying houses and moving steadily forward.

These things are awesome, don't get me wrong...but they expose all of the ways in which my own life is a fraud.

For as easy as some people make life seem, I feel like I am skating by on a gravel road with a pair of old school metal skates strapped on over my shoes. Where they glide, I stumble.

The year was 1994 and while most of my friends were achieving Higher Learning, I was having a nervous breakdown. I was severing ties with everyone who cared about me (and by this point, the list was short). I was quitting my job as a manager of the pet shop I had worked at since high school. I was leaving a message on my parent's answering machine, letting them know I was running away. I didn't know where I was going or if or when I would be back. I was parking my first brand new car in front of the dealership where I bought it and hopping in my friend's van in search of greener pastures or death; I didn't care which found me first.

I wound up on Dead Tour which seemed an unlikely place for someone like me. I have never been known to wear tie dye or Birkenstocks...but there, I found that I was not the only person who was as fucked up as I was. Here I was, surrounded by a bunch of people who had tried and failed to be a contributing member of society. They accepted me despite my shaved head, Social Distortion tee shirts and oxblood Doc Martens. They took care of each other and they took care of me. I was fed. I was medicated. I was miraculously safe in a most unsafe environment. It was during this self destructive period in which I met That Guy I eventually Married.

As one would expect from such a situation, our relationship was built on a craggy foundation of False Pretenses.

**I had an 8 paragraph summary of the past 13 years all typed out and just deleted it all. For those of you who know me, you know my history and so you know why I have become such a bitter and distrusting person. For those of you who don't know all of the sordid details...too bad. I have never been good at the whole "forgive and forget" shtick, but I think it's about time for me to change that.**

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I had the pleasure of meeting two of the actors from the movie "Fireproof". I was invited to attend a marriage rally that they were facilitating...so I went. Alone. I cried silent tears as every couple in the room renewed their vows with one another. I got a free, autographed copy of "The Love Dare" and went home feeling more hopeless than ever. I was (and still am) convinced that I am never going to be completely fulfilled in this marriage...but I also made a decision. I decided to take The Love Dare. I have been on day one for over a week, now. I am afraid that this is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done... 

shoe love

Love is a lot like a new pair of shoes.

I am sure that most of you can relate to this. The way a new pair of shoes feels on your feet. The way they make you feel sexy or powerful or beautiful or feminine or ten feet tall. They are flawless. I have experienced many different types of love, and I associate each with a different type of shoe.

I have experienced tender ballet slipper kind of love. The kind of love that made me feel graceful and beautiful. Like I was floating on air.

I have experienced intense Doc Marten Boot kind of love. Love that felt invincible and full of energy. Love that was scuffed around the edges and smelled like blood and sweat.

I have experienced Mary Jane love. Love that was spontaneous and fun. Love that was passionate and every moment felt like the first.

I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have packed all of my metaphorical shoes into their boxes and carefully stacked them in my closet. I will never feel swept off my feet, again. I will never feel the same raw kind of passion as I did when I was young and free. Love is no longer spontaneous or flirtatious. It is practical. It is plain.

I would equate my current situation to a pair of Crocs. Comfortable. Practical. Durable. I can put some skull and crossbone Jibbitz in them to make me feel more edgy, but let's face it...they are still just Crocs.