The Cooking Lesson

This story was originally posted on the 9th of August, 2005.

For today's story, I had to do some serious mental de-cluttering. I had to dig through myriad file boxes of memories to find just the right one. One that will entertain, make Julia Child roll over in her grave and simply to make you all go "HMMMMM..."

I am taking you with me back to my high school years. This would have been 11th grade. I lived in a suburb of Washington DC with my comfortable, middle class family. My Dad had (still has, in fact) a job with the Federal Government and my Mom was a Dental Assistant. We even had a dog and a picket fence.

This story is not meant to portray my Dad as a bad guy. In hindsight, I think he was probably pretty typical of fathers from his generation. He worked hard to provide for our family...and spent most of his down time drinking. Now, I am not going to lie to you all and say he was not an alcoholic...but what he *wasn't* was a raging, slobbering, wife beating drunk. Quite the opposite, really. He would come home from work with his 12 pack of whatever beer was on sale at Giant, and then just drink himself quietly to sleep.

Most nights, my Mom would arrive home from work much later than my Dad. This story is about one of Those Such Nights.

It was a Friday. I had brought my friend, Kelly home with me for dinner before we went out for the evening. This was actually the first time she had the pleasure of meeting my Father. He had already emptied a few too many beers into himself when he asked us if we would like a cooking lesson. We were bored and he was amusing, so we obliged him. He gathered together what would be the ingredients for meatloaf. He combined them all together into a large bowl, impersonating Julia Child's voice to the best of his ability. He really didn't do too badly! heh

So...he gets to the point where you put the glob of meat into a baking dish and form it into the shape of a LOAF, right?!?

WRONG! He proceeded to fashion our dinner for that evening into the shape of a penis. That's right, my dear reader...he made a PENIS SHAPED MEATLOAF all in the name of amusing his 16 year old daughter and her shocked and horrified friend.

I had never been at such a loss for words...well...EVER in my short life up until that point. I was very much stuck in between laughing like a hysterical loon and hopping the next Greyhound Bus straight out of town.

I am proud to say that my Dad has been sober for the better part of the past decade...and as far as I know, has not attempted to fashion *any* food into the shape of human naughty bits, since.

Comments

[Angela]

I am so relieved that Dad did not go this far with me.... he only made some off color/funny comments while Deb and I were watching movies. But this... this is both mortifying and amusing. ;)