Writing is a funny thing, for me. Sometimes it is like squeezing orange juice from a turnip (see previous several months) and sometimes the floodgates just open up and I can't stop the words from pouring out of me.
I am in kind of an introspective period right now. When you dig up old bones, it is inevitable that you will be haunted by some old ghosts.
Being presented with the shiny new lives of many old friends and acquaintances is an awesome thing. It is good to see everyone happy and thriving in their lives...but this is where you will start to see all of the tiny little fractures in my image for I am broken.
I have watched some of my old friends skate through life as though the ground was a smooth sheet of ice. Gliding effortlessly through high school, then college. Finding their true love and then exchanging vows with them. Having babies, buying houses and moving steadily forward.
These things are awesome, don't get me wrong...but they expose all of the ways in which my own life is a fraud.
For as easy as some people make life seem, I feel like I am skating by on a gravel road with a pair of old school metal skates strapped on over my shoes. Where they glide, I stumble.
The year was 1994 and while most of my friends were achieving Higher Learning, I was having a nervous breakdown. I was severing ties with everyone who cared about me (and by this point, the list was short). I was quitting my job as a manager of the pet shop I had worked at since high school. I was leaving a message on my parent's answering machine, letting them know I was running away. I didn't know where I was going or if or when I would be back. I was parking my first brand new car in front of the dealership where I bought it and hopping in my friend's van in search of greener pastures or death; I didn't care which found me first.
I wound up on Dead Tour which seemed an unlikely place for someone like me. I have never been known to wear tie dye or Birkenstocks...but there, I found that I was not the only person who was as fucked up as I was. Here I was, surrounded by a bunch of people who had tried and failed to be a contributing member of society. They accepted me despite my shaved head, Social Distortion tee shirts and oxblood Doc Martens. They took care of each other and they took care of me. I was fed. I was medicated. I was miraculously safe in a most unsafe environment. It was during this self destructive period in which I met That Guy I eventually Married.
As one would expect from such a situation, our relationship was built on a craggy foundation of False Pretenses.
**I had an 8 paragraph summary of the past 13 years all typed out and just deleted it all. For those of you who know me, you know my history and so you know why I have become such a bitter and distrusting person. For those of you who don't know all of the sordid details...too bad. I have never been good at the whole "forgive and forget" shtick, but I think it's about time for me to change that.**
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I had the pleasure of meeting two of the actors from the movie "Fireproof". I was invited to attend a marriage rally that they were facilitating...so I went. Alone. I cried silent tears as every couple in the room renewed their vows with one another. I got a free, autographed copy of "The Love Dare" and went home feeling more hopeless than ever. I was (and still am) convinced that I am never going to be completely fulfilled in this marriage...but I also made a decision. I decided to take The Love Dare. I have been on day one for over a week, now. I am afraid that this is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done...
Dawn, I would love to know more about you. I'm betting we have much in common. (((Dawn)))
Posted by: Maggie | May 28, 2009 at 08:28 PM
It makes me sad to see you feeling so hopeless. I don't know much about the program, but my hope would be that you make it through the other side a more whole person in a more fruitful relationship. Love you!
Posted by: Lisa | May 28, 2009 at 09:29 PM
Oooo.... they were just talking about this on the radio on my way home. I think you are very couragious... I have no doubt that this will be hard, but I also have no doubt that you can do it! ((HUGS)) I love you mine seester!
Posted by: Angela Poe | May 29, 2009 at 12:56 AM
I have seen the movie...quite moving. I'm off to send you an email as my response may either be too long or too personal.....
Posted by: ~LL~ | May 30, 2009 at 02:50 AM
You haven't blogged in ages, so I "came over" to get caught up...and here I am just sobbing over the beautiful and sad things you wrote. I'm sending you a hug...You're not broken...
Posted by: Jess | May 30, 2009 at 10:45 PM
Hey Dawn your writing is really cool. I remember alot of that time, the pet store, your Jetta (i think), that really took me back. I hope i didnt affect you in a real bad way. I wish i could have read the 8 papragraphs. I heard of the movie fireproof on the Christian radio station i listen too sometimes. Me and Betsy go to church sometimes. Im in the same club as you; ive been in the gravel, off the road, whatever,with
skates on a unicycle. im just glad i kinda landed on my feet. I got rid of my main problem; drinking, but it doesnt magically make everything wonderful. I also dont think you are broken , dont be so hard on yourself. You are an awesome person, great mom, good writer. i think youre cool, thats pretty good right there. Haha
Posted by: sean o | June 02, 2009 at 02:27 AM