I know...I know...I have beenawaygolonglongtime. Thanks to my Faithful Reader for letting me know I was missed. I guess I just feel like no one really wants to sift through my mental muck. My insanity used to be funny. Now? It's just sad.
As usual, a lot of weirdness has been swirling around inside my head. I have pulled away from most of my online life (and real life, too...) lately. It is just too hard for me to be around people who are genuinely happy.
Don't get me wrong...I love being a mother. That is the one shining light in my darkness. I love my kids with my whole self and basically devote as much of my time as possible to them and their activities. This serves a dual purpose. It's (hopefully) enriching their lives and creating memories for them that they can look fondly back upon when they are my age but it also allows me to escape my own reality.
There is so, so much I want to say but I don't know how much is appropriate, you know?
Let me start with this and see where it goes.
I miss looking at TGIM with stars in my eyes. I miss being able to love him...I miss being loved.
I can't tell you at exactly what point the light went out, but I do know that I have been living in darkness for a long time.
He is going on a business trip to Finland on Wednesday. Every time he goes out of town an old wound is re-opened and all of the crud from within bubbles up to the surface and oozes out of me. That is where I am right now. Festering and sore.
Aren't you glad I updated you? heh
Maybe someday I will get my groove back but right now...I am floundering.
HEY! Glad to see you are still alive out there! I've missed you! (and yes, I do check your blog almost daily to see what you're throwing out there....heh!)
(((hugs))) I'm so sorry things are hard again right now-I know those out of town trips are such a strain on you. Hang on to the moments with the kids to get you through this week. You'll find
*it* again, just keep on keepin on.
Love you-hang in there!
(oh, and it's your blog-say whatever you want!)
Posted by: Catey | October 19, 2009 at 04:43 PM
(((hugs))) You HAVE been missed! I hope that you and TGYM can find that common ground again.
Posted by: Lisa | October 19, 2009 at 06:25 PM
(((hugs)))
I love you and want to hear what you have to say regardless of how oogey it is.
Posted by: Angela Poe | October 21, 2009 at 03:23 AM
{{HUGS}} Hope things get better. I don't always remember to get on here but I do think of you all.
Posted by: Tina | October 27, 2009 at 05:34 PM
Many MANY hugs, and MUCH love....I feel for you more than you know, and only hope that things improve and get better...Deep despair and darkness? Mine just returned from almost 2 months of "attempting to find himself" after a very shitty 2 yrs back frm deployment, to be told that he wants a divorce, leaving me n Thing 2 in the lurch....He admits to being selfish (a start), and I cannot begin to describe the deep-seated hatred, resentment and annimosity that i am feeling at this time....I too, despise happy people at this time, not because it's personal, or that they're happy, just because their lives are good and mine is shit.....shut-down mode wants to start, and valium is keeping the panic/anxiety attacks at bay, but for how long, I don't know....On top of this, he has VOLUNTEERED to do another deployment, to help him get away.....Now I ask you, WHO did I piss off and when, and when did I kick the crutch out from a crippled person to deserve this shitty Karma???? Love and support sweetie, and I wish you the best..... Hugs, luv, n smooches!
Posted by: Solvi | October 27, 2009 at 05:49 PM
Sending you love, joy and light hon.
Posted by: heidi | October 27, 2009 at 11:39 PM
{{{HUGS}}} I'm sorry that you're feeling shitty about things. Life sure is a ride, isn't it? I hope that you and your other half can find some common ground again and that you find your groove . . . I miss you!!
Posted by: Jill | October 31, 2009 at 03:38 AM