...in which justdawn returns to blogging after an obscenely lengthy absence.
I suppose if I am going to blog about my failures, this blog would be a great place to start. I am a craptastic blogger. I used to blog because I was part of a totally kick ass blogging community and it felt great to feel like I belonged...then I blogged to release the crazies that take up residence in my head...then my readers got scared (or bored) and my crazies are narcissistic assholes, so once their audience had left the building...we went with them.
In 'real life', I have had a dark year in which I realized that I am a shitty wife, friend, sister and daughter. The best friend I have made in my adult life moved back to the US and in order to protect myself from the soul crushing pain that caused me, I stopped being there for her. Of course she has filled that void with another friend and I have no right to feel hurt by that...yet I do. Those feelings of rejection, resentment and jealousy have spread to pretty much every other area of my life and I have basically shut down. I am nothing to everyone and part of me is relieved by that while another part of me is aching to be wanted or needed or cared for...but in my own little fucked up world, I don't express any of this until I am frustrated and then I only succeed in being a giant asshole.
I am not even sure what I hope to achieve by putting these thoughts and feelings 'out there'. Maybe I am just trying to acknowledge to the universe that I am aware of My Suck. I don't know where to go from here as I have burned a great many bridges and the ones that aren't burned are all rickety and with my irrational fear of falling (figuratively and literally) I am in no hurry to try to make my way across.