the Fail Blog

...in which justdawn returns to blogging after an obscenely lengthy absence.

I suppose if I am going to blog about my failures, this blog would be a great place to start. I am a craptastic blogger. I used to blog because I was part of a totally kick ass blogging community and it felt great to feel like I belonged...then I blogged to release the crazies that take up residence in my head...then my readers got scared (or bored) and my crazies are narcissistic assholes, so once their audience had left the building...we went with them.

In 'real life', I have had a dark year in which I realized that I am a shitty wife, friend, sister and daughter. The best friend I have made in my adult life moved back to the US and in order to protect myself from the soul crushing pain that caused me, I stopped being there for her. Of course she has filled that void with another friend and I have no right to feel hurt by that...yet I do. Those feelings of rejection, resentment and jealousy have spread to pretty much every other area of my life and I have basically shut down. I am nothing to everyone and part of me is relieved by that while another part of me is aching to be wanted or needed or cared for...but in my own little fucked up world, I don't express any of this until I am frustrated and then I only succeed in being a giant asshole.

I am not even sure what I hope to achieve by putting these thoughts and feelings 'out there'. Maybe I am just trying to acknowledge to the universe that I am aware of My Suck. I don't know where to go from here as I have burned a great many bridges and the ones that aren't burned are all rickety and with my irrational fear of falling (figuratively and literally) I am in no hurry to try to make my way across.

Comments

[Catey]

Sorry you've had such a rough go of things. You will always have friends who love you out here in the middle of nowhere! Well, we love you anywhere, we just happen to be in the middle of nowhere. ;)
((hugs))

[Loribear]

I have to agree with Catey!! No matter how crazy your crazies get, I still love you and your little world!

[~LL~]

I do know how you feel.....I tend to really.... um.... "attach" (for lack of a better word) to a person and then feel horribly rejected when they do not feel the same.... regardless of the fact that they have had their own "other" friends for years before me.

BUT, I have finally reached the point where I sometimes, don't care..... sometimes.... well, not often, but sometimes.

Just keep on keepin' on. (So cliche, but it seems to work here.)

Love ya!

[Jamie Meitl]

Oh dawn!! I've missed your blogs! And I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Know that all of us are always here for you...heck it's goin on 9 years now for some of us right?! Keep your chin up and know that you're loved!

[Jill]

{{{Dawn}}} I've missed your blogs too!! I am so sorry that you're having a rough time. You are VERY loved, and are VERY important to me! You are a great friend to me! Hang in there!!!

[heidi]

Why are you so damned hard on yourself? If I came to you with all of these things and said them about myself - what would you say to me??? Well, why is it any different??