justification

I think that one of my least favorite things in the universe is the expectation that I should justify my feelings. I mean, how does one justfy their feelings to someone else? My feelings are just that...my feelings...and they are my feelings whether anyone likes them or not.

I have very recently lost another person whom I considered a good friend. Last summer she moved from the area I live in to another city in Germany, a couple of hours away. Since her move, we talked for hours on Skype every day and she pretty much knew everything there was to know about me. I have gone down to visit her and she has come up here to visit me several times, as well. Well, I found out she was coming into town...but it wasn't from her. A mutual acquaintance asked if my daughter could babysit for the two of them...that's how I found out she was coming to town.

I was hurt...I mean really hurt. We told each other everything so I pretty much assumed she didn't tell me she was coming into town because she didn't want to see me. I confronted her with my feelings and she got very defensive and nasty about it. She wanted me to justify my feelings to her. How was I supposed to do that? I told her that I was hurt. I told her why I was hurt. I even apologized for being an asshole about it (even though I thought some measure of assholiness was totally warranted under the circumstances).

I know that I am pretty dysfunctional in how I deal with people...but it is not something I am in denial about and I am constantly apologizing for my slip ups. Is it too much to ask that other people would own up to their responsibility in any given situation instead of expecting me to shoulder the full blame?

I guess my whole reason for posting this is that I am curious...how would you have felt if the same thing happened to you...and how would you have dealt with the situation? Clearly I fucked up because she is no longer speaking to me.

 

Comments

[heidi]

I don't think you fucked up. i would be deeply and desperately hurt if someone did the same thing to me. I'd probably react badly. The assholiness is all hers, t his time, Dawn. You don't even get a slice of that pie.

[~LL~]

Ugh..... sorry you are dealing with this. I tend to easily get hurt/offended when there is even a *hint* that I'm not included in stuff I think I should be. I don't think you messed up. I think she is trying to turn it around and remove the blame from herself....