Mukkefuck Cafe

justification

I think that one of my least favorite things in the universe is the expectation that I should justify my feelings. I mean, how does one justfy their feelings to someone else? My feelings are just that...my feelings...and they are my feelings whether anyone likes them or not.

I have very recently lost another person whom I considered a good friend. Last summer she moved from the area I live in to another city in Germany, a couple of hours away. Since her move, we talked for hours on Skype every day and she pretty much knew everything there was to know about me. I have gone down to visit her and she has come up here to visit me several times, as well. Well, I found out she was coming into town...but it wasn't from her. A mutual acquaintance asked if my daughter could babysit for the two of them...that's how I found out she was coming to town.

I was hurt...I mean really hurt. We told each other everything so I pretty much assumed she didn't tell me she was coming into town because she didn't want to see me. I confronted her with my feelings and she got very defensive and nasty about it. She wanted me to justify my feelings to her. How was I supposed to do that? I told her that I was hurt. I told her why I was hurt. I even apologized for being an asshole about it (even though I thought some measure of assholiness was totally warranted under the circumstances).

I know that I am pretty dysfunctional in how I deal with people...but it is not something I am in denial about and I am constantly apologizing for my slip ups. Is it too much to ask that other people would own up to their responsibility in any given situation instead of expecting me to shoulder the full blame?

I guess my whole reason for posting this is that I am curious...how would you have felt if the same thing happened to you...and how would you have dealt with the situation? Clearly I fucked up because she is no longer speaking to me.

 

the Fail Blog

...in which justdawn returns to blogging after an obscenely lengthy absence.

I suppose if I am going to blog about my failures, this blog would be a great place to start. I am a craptastic blogger. I used to blog because I was part of a totally kick ass blogging community and it felt great to feel like I belonged...then I blogged to release the crazies that take up residence in my head...then my readers got scared (or bored) and my crazies are narcissistic assholes, so once their audience had left the building...we went with them.

In 'real life', I have had a dark year in which I realized that I am a shitty wife, friend, sister and daughter. The best friend I have made in my adult life moved back to the US and in order to protect myself from the soul crushing pain that caused me, I stopped being there for her. Of course she has filled that void with another friend and I have no right to feel hurt by that...yet I do. Those feelings of rejection, resentment and jealousy have spread to pretty much every other area of my life and I have basically shut down. I am nothing to everyone and part of me is relieved by that while another part of me is aching to be wanted or needed or cared for...but in my own little fucked up world, I don't express any of this until I am frustrated and then I only succeed in being a giant asshole.

I am not even sure what I hope to achieve by putting these thoughts and feelings 'out there'. Maybe I am just trying to acknowledge to the universe that I am aware of My Suck. I don't know where to go from here as I have burned a great many bridges and the ones that aren't burned are all rickety and with my irrational fear of falling (figuratively and literally) I am in no hurry to try to make my way across.

been away go long long time

So...yeah. All of that talk of returning to regular blogging? Apparently I am totally full of shit. I suppose I won't be making any promises to all both of my Faithful Readers in this post but I will do my best to ccatch you all up on what's been happening here.

We had a snowier winter than usual here in the Federal Republic of Germany...

My eldest minion turned 14 and got an extra hole poked in her nose...

My second born minion turned 11 and was satisfied to just have cupcakes...

It snowed some more and I think TGIM and Daisy Head Maisy might have had the most fun...

My boys kicked butt at the Cub Scout Pinewood Derby...

I chaperoned a field trip with Eli's class to Speyer; sea life aquarium and chathedral...  

I spent 4 fabulous days in Italy with two of my best friends. We went to Nove...

Marostica...

Villa Sceriman...

Venice...

Murano...

Lake Garda...

Sirmione...

and we stayed at my friend's gorgeous house in Arcugnano:)

Ethan won 2 tickets to Legoland with his own rendition of the Arc de Triomphe...

My littlest minion turned 7!

The Easter Bunny Came, bearing treats from Italy AND Germany...

We spent an afternoon at the Neunkirchen Zoo (where I decided that a meerkat would make an adorable pet)...

Elijah earned his Tiger Badge...

AND won first place Tiger and 2nd place overall in the Raingutter Regatta! 

I went to the Heidelburg Zoo with Eli's class...

and last but certainly not least I served as doula and birth photographer for a dear friend of mine.

Whew! For those of you still hanging in there with me...I hope you enjoyed my photo journal of the past 4 months. Oh! I forgot to mention that we very nearly took a job in Kansas but thankfully TGIM came to his senses and just renewed his contract here. YAY! Our European Adventure isn't over!

We have several exciting things still to come so stay tuned...but don't hold your breath. I would hate for you to pass out waiting for me to update you all again;)   

Oh the Places I've Been

We have lived in Europe for a long time...and I know our time here is running short. We don't have an exact timeline as to when we will be leaving yet but TGIM (That Guy I Married) is actively looking for a job in the US. The thought of leaving Germany is really bittersweet. I mean, I really miss my family...but I have really loved being given the opportunity to raise my kids over here. I hope that wherever we end up, they will always remember the cool places we have been and the ones we hope to see before we have to go.

In April of 2009 I (finally!) got to see the Keukenhof Gardens in Holland. To say that it was breathtaking would be a gross understatement. It was magnificent.

On that same trip I also got to visit a wooden shoe factory and a cheese factory.

I also took a whirlwind tour of Amsterdam...

In June, TGIM were able to take a weekend trip to Dublin without the kids. It was a wonderful time to reconnect and explore one of my favorite cities in the world.

We went to museums, parks, cathedrals and ate awesome Irish food at every meal.

In August we went camping with our Cub Scout Pack. The kids had a blast!

In September we attended a Wurst and Wein fest in Bad Durkheim.  We had a really good time until Abby broke her tooth in the fun house. ;)

In November I got to go to Boleslaweic, Poland to buy pottery with two of my very good friends.

We took a little detour to the charming town of Seiffen, Germany on our way home. They are famous for their hand crafted wooden collectibles. I think it is my favorite German town!   

November was a busy month as I also visited my favorite Weihnachtsmarkt in the quaint town of Deidesheim. I think that I just might miss the Christmas Markets most of all. There is nothing like the smell of frost, roasted chestnuts and Gluhwein in the air.

 

In December we stayed in LaRoche en Ardenne in Belgium...

...and participated in a hike commemorating the 65th anniversary of the battle of the bulge in Bastogne. It was a cold and snowy weekend and several times it was really easy to imagine what the soldiers experienced as they marched across western Europe.

I have had some incredible experiences and am looking forward to making many more memories during the time I have left, here.

   

  

Clean Slate

I am sure the all two of my Faithful Readers are noticing something a little different around here. I have unpublished all of my previous blog posts. It's a new year. A new decade, even. I have been lugging around a lot of baggage and having much of it published in cyberspace for all to read was really weighing on me.

When I first started blogging I was NOT a mommyblogger. Just the word mommyblogger was enough to make my eyeballs twitch. Yes, I am a mommy. Yes I am a blogger...but I am not (and still don't think I will ever be) one of those bloggers who has nothing more to talk about that their kids and what comes out of them.

Anyway, I guess the point I am trying to make is that the audience I have been targeting over the past 5 years is NOT who is actually coming here to read. I guess this re-evaluation of my own personal blogging ethics has been long overdue.

I really want to blog more often. I used to blog every day...sometimes more than once. I used to LOVE blogging. I actually NEED to blog. It helps me reign in the crazies that have taken up residence in my own head. Also? It is nice to be a part of the blogging community. I have missed that. Blogging became infinitely un-fun when nobody was commenting anymore. I suppose no one wants to comment on a trainwreck. heh

So...here I am on the first day of a new year. I don't really make resolutions but it I did one of them might be to re-dedicate myself tho this here blog. To post the funny things that happen when you live in a house with four children and a batshit crazy border collie. To post the pictures that I so love to take. To post my favorite recipes...and yes. I will still be posting my (in)famous rants complete with cussing. Sorry to my wholesome friends. I write how I speak...so just be glad we aren't neighbors;)

Anyway, happy 2010 to you and yours! May this year be everything you want it to be!

taking a dare

I have made it no secret that being married has been no walk in the park for me...and in doing so I have done TGIM a HUGE injustice. I have spent so much time and energy focused on ME and MY hurts and MY issues that I never even really considered that I might have hurt him, too. Well guess what? I have been a selfish jerk.

He was trying to communicate his feelings to me in the same way I try to communicate my feelings to him...but since I am not conditioned to pick up on passive aggressive innuendo I have been walking around with my head up my own ass. It has come to a point where I have realized that *I* am going to have to change some of my behaviors or *I* am going to be left all alone. Why in the world would I expect him to want to stay with a person who acted like they didn't like him most of the time?

So anyway...I am taking a leap of faith here by actually following through with The Love Dare. I was given a copy of the book several months ago, read the first day and then put it up on my bookshelf. Apparently I wasn't ready then...but I think I'm ready now.

I had adopted the (not so) famous words of the Rites of Spring as my mantra..."I was the champion of forgive and forget...but I haven't found a way to forgive you, yet". Well...it is time for me to let go. It is time for me to truly forgive and let go of the things I have been holding over this marriage and try to move forward.

Wish me luck because I think this is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do.

stuff

I know...I know...I have beenawaygolonglongtime. Thanks to my Faithful Reader for letting me know I was missed. I guess I just feel like no one really wants to sift through my mental muck. My insanity used to be funny. Now? It's just sad.

As usual, a lot of weirdness has been swirling around inside my head. I have pulled away from most of my online life (and real life, too...) lately. It is just too hard for me to be around people who are genuinely happy.

Don't get me wrong...I love being a mother. That is the one shining light in my darkness. I love my kids with my whole self and basically devote as much of my time as possible to them and their activities. This serves a dual purpose. It's (hopefully) enriching their lives and creating memories for them that they can look fondly back upon when they are my age but it also allows me to escape my own reality.

There is so, so much I want to say but I don't know how much is appropriate, you know?

Let me start with this and see where it goes.

I miss looking at TGIM with stars in my eyes. I miss being able to love him...I miss being loved.

I can't tell you at exactly what point the light went out, but I do know that I have been living in darkness for a long time.

He is going on a business trip to Finland on Wednesday. Every time he goes out of town an old wound is re-opened and all of the crud from within bubbles up to the surface and oozes out of me. That is where I am right now. Festering and sore.

Aren't you glad I updated you? heh

Maybe someday I will get my groove back but right now...I am floundering.

Paying it Forward

I have always been a big believer in paying it forward, so I was inspired and excited by a recent post by my Good Friend Lisa.

Here's how it works....The first 5 people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.
2- What I create will be just for you.
3- I have a year to get it to you.
4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.

The catch? You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

Stay tuned to this channel because I am hosting my very first ever Friday Freebie for my friend Heidi over at Sacred and Profane this week and you won't want to miss out on your chance to win a fabulous gift from Yours Truly:)

keeping up appearances

Let me preface this post by telling you that I am a Christian. I am not a very Good Christian. I am not even a mediocre Christian. I was not always a Christian. In fact, for a good, long time I was pretty freaking far from it. I guess there is something to be said for seeing your recovering alcoholic father prostrate on the floor of a church sanctuary during his ordination into priesthood.

Anyway, this post isn't actually supposed to be about me.

There is a high profile mommy blogger that I used to follow. I am not even going to link to her blog because I don't want to drive any more traffic to her than she already drives there, herself. She has a chronically ill child that she uses to drive up her hit count, thus generating an obscene amount of ad revenue.

Now, I don't have a problem with professional bloggers...but I do have a problem with egomaniacs.

This particular blogger stands on her soapbox and preaches her ideas on faith, her ideas on nutrition, on cloth diapering, attachment parenting, photography, marriage...and she has a very large and very loyal following. Her followers are kind of scary in their attraction to her. I can actually see them drinking a cup of poisoned kool-aid if she believed in kool-aid, which she doesn't.  

This post is proving to be very difficult to write because there are so, so many things about her and her (lack of) blog ethics that really piss me off...but there is one main topic that I want to touch on.

It has recently been brought to light that her husband has been charged with domestic violence against her within the past year. How she chooses to handle her personal life is not really my business at all....but since she has placed herself squarely in the public's eye by dispensing parenting and marriage advice, she has made it people's business.

You see, on several occasions she has blogged about being a submissive wife.

Before I knew what I know now...I just dismissed her posts on the subject in the same way I would any other Christian telling me I needed to submit to my husband...but now that I know she had been abused by her husband before choosing to submit to him, I am just saddened by her. And a little bit disgusted, too. I mean, what kind of example is she setting for her children much less her followers???

I think it is extremely dangerous to send the message to her loyal followers (aka; sheeple) that if your husband knocks you down, you should just stay down.

I love and respect my husband...but I would never submit to him any more than he would submit to me. Which is not at all. I don't think that God designed us to lose ourselves completely when we decide to get married. It is a concept that I can not wrap my head around and I don't think I ever will.

I guess my point is that you should keep both eyes open when you become enamored with another blogger. Things are not always what they seem and be careful who you try to emulate.

This is not the first time I have felt betrayed by a blogger that I had grown to care about...but I believe that this is the worst.

 

2 months?

I think that this might be the longest I have gone without blogging since I began blogging!

I don't have much to say, really. Being home with four kids, all day every day is both mentally and physically exhausting. I know that there are many, many bloggers with as many (if not more) minions than I have that seem to handle it much better. Sometimes I wonder if they misrepresent themselves, just a little.

Summer vacation hasn't been ALL stressful and bad, though. Way back in June, TGIM and I got to enjoy a few days in Dublin(!) without the kids. It was a much needed time for us to reconnect with each other...especially since neither of us is especially affectionate or attentive to the needs of the other. We had a great time. We ate shepherd's pie and bangers and mash, drank Guiness, went to museums and cathedrals, walked about a thousand miles around the city, sat in Saint Stephens Green Park, took naps, watched BBC & well...other stuff. The photos are on Flickr...but here is a sneak peek for you:

 

The kids and I have been to the park, the movies, bowling, the library...but it never seems like enough. I  (almost) envy the families who can afford to take their kids someplace awesome several times a week to keep them entertained...but then again, there is definitely something to be said for sleeping in late and spending entire days in our pajamas from time to time.

We will be camping for 3 days with the Cub Scouts, later this month. For most of my kids...this will be their first time camping. Ethan and TGIM went camping in June...and we took Rowan camping when she was a baby...but Abby and Eli have never been. It should be an adventure!

We are also planning our annual pilgrimage to Legoland with our good friends. Hopefully we can squeeze that in before school starts! They always have a good time, there.

I have completely slacked off on going to the gym. At the beginning of summer, I fully intended to keep at it, but my workout partner went to the states for a month and really? I am just too lazy to go by myself. I am a little disappointed in myself, but such is my life. I will pick up where I left off once the kids are back in school and I can regain some control over my life.

What else??? Oh! TGIM is applying for jobs in the US. I have mixed feelings on the matter, really. I mean, part of me wants to settle down someplace permanent...but another part of me completely FREAKS at the prospect. I have been a nomad my entire life. How will I cope with being in the same place with the same people and the same scenery for the rest of my life??? It had better be someplace awesome (like Vermont;).

Well...I guess that's all I've got for you for now. I will try not to be so scarce. I know all two of my Faithful Readers worry when I am not around;)