Mukkefuck Cafe

“I been away a long time.”

Why, hello there. I am pretty sure that I am writing for an audience of one, since I have all but abandoned this, here blog. That's OK, though, because a lot has happened and IS happening and I need a place to unload all of the crap.

I guess that I will start at the beginning of The Changes. We moved back to the USofA this past summer. I know that in my last post, I said I was ready for this move...but I lied. This has been the most diffucult transition of my life. I love that my parents have already come to visit twice (with the promise of one more visit before the end of the year) but other than that? I hate it, here.

My days are a relentless cycle of packing lunches, driving kids to school, meal planning, grocery shopping, housework and laundry. Lather, rinse, repeat. That Guy I Married and I seem more distant from each other than I can ever recall, I haven't made a single friend and we are making about $1000 less per month, so our financial situation sucks, too. I started applying for jobs within a month of moving into our house (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we bought our first house...the responsibility of homeownership scares the crap out of me, but it is nice to have a place that is our own) and FINALLY have a real job prospect. I won't say anything more until it is final...but it looks like I will be earning a bit of a paycheck, soon.

The transition has been rough for my girls, too. They miss their friends and the cultural diversity. Abby misses her dance studio SO much. It seems like all of the studios in this area are focused on competitive dance and that is SO not Abby. Rowan spends all of her time either at school or at home. She hasn't made a single friend and she is really struggling with that. There were also some issues with her credits transferring from her old school to here, and we had to advocate for her so that she wouldn't have to go back and retake classes that she took in the 8th grade. It's been ridiculous.  The boys seem to have settled in OK, although Ethan already wants to quit scouts and Eli isn't too into it, either. We miss our scouting family in Germany. It is just so different, here.

On another note, my father-in-law was very recently diagnosed with cancer. He has battled COPD (emphysema and black lung) for years but a recent scan of his lungs revealed a large and agressive tumor. He is being referred to hospice as there isn't much that can be done for him. TGIM is planning to go to Illinois to visit, this weekend.

I am also in the midst of a cancer scare, myself. I went to my new doctor's office a few weeks ago for a routine checkup where it was discovered that my thyroid was thickened and enlarged. I had an ultrasound the next day that revealed a 2cm nodule on the lower, right lobe. Last Friday, I had a biopsy done and the results were inconclusive. The pathologist told me that she expected to clearly see follicular neoplastic disease but she didn't. There is abnormal cell growth as well as bloodflow into the nodule but she thinks that for now, it is benign. I am waiting to hear back from my doctor to move onto the next step, which will be to have an uptake scan. That wouldn't give me a definitive diagnosis, either, but it can indicate whether or not bad things are about to happen. If the results of that scan are bad, I will have part or all of my thyroid removed and then they will be able to do a more thorough biopsy of the nodule to see exactly what it is. All of this just adds to my stress about finances (insurance doesn't cover everything) as well as not having any kind of support system, here. Aside from regular phone calls from my mom, I feel like I am going through this, all alone...and it sucks.

 

Taking a Leap

This post is several days late-in-coming...but better late than never, right?

I met That Guy I Married in June of 1994 in Seattle, during the Grateful Dead summer tour. I didn't see him again until the New Jersey shows in August...but once he said where he was from, I instantly remembered the blonde guy with the big backpack (which got stuck in a large piece of abstract art as he tried to walk through it), who helped me find my way back to the large parking lot where we all set up camp. 

Once we met again that August, we were virtually inseparable for many, many months afterward. We continued to travel, sometimes following the Grateful Dead, sometimes going to Rainbow Gatherings and sometimes just going...with noplace particular to be. We ultimately landed in his hometown in Southern Illinois during the summer fo 1995. I had just found out we were expecting the first (of what seems like many;) children. He found a job building trusses and with his meager income, we creatively made a home for ourselves and prepared for our baby's birth.

We knew we would always be together but at that point in our lives, a piece of paper binding us to each otehr legally just didn't seem that important. My parents urged us to consider getting married and that December he proposed to (a VERY pregnant) me from the front seat of our 1974 VW bus with the pawn store ring that he bought me with money that he borrowed from one of his childhood best friends. We decided that it would be appropriate to take the leap on February 29th, 1996. 

We arrived at the court house in Paducah, KY with our 6 week old baby, his mother and one of his sisters in tow. We signed a few papers, paid them some money and said our vows...and left there as husband and wife.

I had big dreams for our anniversary this year...what will be our last in Germany. I wanted to have a wedding to renew our vows. I wanted a mini-European vacation to make up for the honeymoon we never got to take. I wanted a hullabaloo. I wanted to be fancy. I wanted a long overdue celebration.

With the impending move back to the US, I didn't get any of that. What we got instead was news of a tragic, natural disaster in the Southern Illinois town that was our home before he joined the Army. An F4 tornado ripped through our town, killing several people and injuring many more than that. We spent most of our anniversary glued to the news and waiting to hear from friends and family. We did manage to steal away for a quick dinner at our favorite Thai restaurant...but our mood was anything but celebratory.

The tornado put things into perspective for me. My wishes for a special day are so insignificant when faced with the reality that people lost their lives, their homes and most everything inside them. It's sobering, really. I have made Germany my home for the ast 10 years and felt really reluctant to ever leave here...but the gift I got this anniversary was that I am truly feeling ready to move back to the US. To be closer to family. To be closer to HOME.

And so it goes... 365/6-12

OK, OK...so I suck at being consistent. I have already failed at my Project 365, but to make up for it, I will post several photos of the birth I just attended.

Sweet Lily Isabella was born at 1:12am on 2/24 after a fast and furious natural labor. I am so proud of this momma...she was SO ready to throw in the towel but didn't get the chance as Lily was born a little more than an hour after we arrived at the hospital.

I love my job.

What Ifs?

One of my friends inside the interwebs (whom I might finally get to meet in real life this summer!) asked a very good question on her own blog. "Is there a one moment or decision that you wonder how your life would be different if you’d taken the other path? Where do you stand on not-exactly-regrets-more-like-what-ifs?"

I have certainly wondered what would have become of me and my life if I would have continued my (very) lonely existence as a pet store manager who had a propensity for self destructive behaviour.

I tended to dream big and would become overwhelmed by the logistical challenges of tending to those dreams, so I did what was safe. I worked my way up from sales clerk/animal care person to store manager in just 2 very short years. I used that as my excuse for losing my ambition to further myself in other ways. In ways that really mattered.

On the surface, things looked OK, I guess. I had a steady paycheck, had bought my first new car (A little, black VW Fox...gosh, I loved that car) and I was living in an apartment with my boyfriend and our 42billion pets. When it was decided that we wanted very different things out of life (I wanted babies and he wanted...oh, I don't even know what he wanted...to stay cool?) he moved to South Carolina and I lost my ever loving, little mind.

I bounced from room mate to room mate and found myself in more and more toxic situations before I decided that if I didn't want to off myself, that I needed to get the hell out of there...and so I did.

Yeah...so I ran away from my hometown at the ripe age of (almost) 21 to follow the Grateful Dead. (Can I tell you a secret? I don't even LIKE the Grateful Dead!) So anyway, what began as a horrible misadventure in a big blue Dodge van with a couch in the back ended with me, That Guy I (eventaully) Married and four minions that I wouldn't trade anything for.

I will admit that I have wondered the "what ifs" but I don't think anything would ever be able to come close to this. We have had our fair share of ups and downs over the past 17+ years but for the most part? Life is Good.

 

365/5

365/4

365/3

365/2

365/1

The lens through which the remaining 364 will be captured...

Eleventy Things

It's funny...after I have fallen off the face of the Earth for so long, I never quite know what to say when I come back. I can't tell you how many times I have logged into TypePad and just stared blankly at my computer screen as it stared blankly back at me.

I have a lot of things to say...I really do. I just didn't know how to segue from my silence to my...NOT silence without it seeming awkward. Today presented me with TWO opportunities to jump back into blogging. First thing would be my brand, spanking new camera. I vowed to myself that once I upgraded, I would do my own, personal 365 challenge just to get my creative juices flowing again (and to justify the expense;). Since it was late by the time I got it all unpacked and my batteries charged, I will start that tomorrow. Thankfully, my good friend Catey tagged me in a thingy that will force me to write something. :)

Apparently there are rules, but I really suck at following rules so I am going to skip the first and the last rule. You will figure out the middle rules on your own if/when you read this blog post. I swear, I will be surprised if anyone still comes here.

11 Random Facts About Me:

1. I should have been born with red hair. It would have saved me the crap ton of money I have spent on red hair dye over the past 20+ years.
2. My favorite food is macaroni and cheese. It has been my favorite since the beginning of time.
3. I only like the red Skittles.
4. I have lived in Germany for a collective 13 years of my life. I honestly don't think I remember how to fully live like an American.
5. Aside from That Guy I Married and My Minions, I am most passionate about childbirth. Because none of my births were THE birth I wanted them to be, I have made it my mission as a doula to help other women achieve the births that THEY want to achieve.
6. My favorite beverage is Bitter Lemon (although Orangina is a close second).
7. I have lived 4 hours from Paris for almost a decade and have never seen the Eiffel Tower.
8. My favorite physical feature is totally a person's eyes.
9. I have only ever danced with my husband once in the 18 years we have been together.
10. I pretend like I am a rock star when I play Guitar Hero with my kids.
11. I am not a morning person AT ALL.

11 Random Things Catey wants to know about me:

1. What is your most embarrassing moment? Oh gosh...my 16th birthday. A closet. An unclothed boyfriend. My mother. I will spare you the details.
2. Biggest pet peeve? People who pass judgment on others based on generalizations.
3. Are you OCD about anything?  If so, what? This would be a much shorter answer if you were asking what I am NOT OCD about. I am actually particular about most things, to an unhealthy degree. I am happiest in a clean and organized space, but I have a husband and four kids so nothing is ever as clean as I would like for it to be nor is it usually where it belongs. I have learned to just deal with the mess and enjoy my children while they are still living with me because I know that won't last forever.
4. Celebrity Crush? Brad Pitt...circa Legends of the Fall.
5. What was the best vacation you've ever taken? Italy with two of my best friends.
6. If you could have one superpower what would it be? Mind control. heh
7. Biggest Fear? Having something bad happen to my kids.
8. What was the last thing you ate? A handful of Pretzel M&M's
9. You have 24 hours to do whatever you want.  What do you do? Sleeeeeeep...
10. What is your favorite blog to read? This one.
11. Greatest accomplishment last year? Biggest goal this year? This might seem sad, but I don't think I accomplished anything great last year (unless you can consider "continuing to breathe" to be greatness). My biggest goal this year isn't really for myself but for two of my kids. Rowan and Ethan were both nominated to attend the National Young Leader's Conference in Washington DC this summer, and I am trying to raise the money to send them there.

11 things I would like to know about you:

1. What is your favorite season, and why?
2. First job?
3. Are you crafty and if so, what do you craft?
4. If you could live anywhere, where would you choose?
5. Do you have any irrational fears or phobias?
6. Are you good at living on a budget and saving money (and if so, tell me your secrets;)?
7. Favorite pet? Are you a dog/cat/bird/reptile/etc person?
8. What is your favorite thing about yourself?
9. What is your biggest regret?
10. What is your favorite book?
11. Can you play any musical instruments (and if so, which ones)?

I am not actually going to tag anyone, but if you happen to read this, I would love to hear your answers:)